Where to EVEN FRIGGIN’ BEGIN!!!!! I guess starting with I’m sorry is appropriate, but seems a bit redundant! Actually, I feel a bit redundant lately…in life, THAT IS!!! I don’t know why, but I have this compulsive urge to repeat myself excessively…IT ANNOYS THE EFF OUTTA ME!!!!! Wow…bare with me, I’m feeling just about EVERY DAMN EMOTION THERE IS…ALL AT ONCE…INCONTROLLABLY…AND IT’S F*CKING CRAZY!!! That’s pretty much how I would sum up myself and my life right now…CRAZY!!!!!! Y’ever just think you CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE & THEN BAM?!?!? That’s me…I HONESTLY CAN NOT TAKE ANYMORE!!! Or, at least, I don’t wanna have to have anything more to handle!
Guess I oughta back up a little! It’s been about a month since my last post and it’s been one thing after another! There are a few things I couldn’t possibly touch on RIGHT NOW due to issues with discretion and confidentiality…although rather juicy secrets…I JUST CAN’T SHARE…SORRY!!! Someday I would love to have all the freedom in the world to write about whatever and whenever, but I’m really not at that point in my life…SOMEDAY, DAMNIT…GET A GRIP!!! ;o) JoKiN’!!!!!!!
What I won’t can’t write about has brought so much meaning and happiness into my life and I’VE BECOME EVEN MORE GRATEFUL THAN I EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE!!!!! My life is SO DAMN (99%) PERFECT that ALL Y’ALLS’d be oooohin’ N aaaahin’…like I said…MUMS THE WORD! But I had to get into all of that, becoz I said that, “I’m feeling just about EVERY DAMN EMOTION THERE IS…BLAH BLAH BLAH….YADA YADA YADA…F*CKING CRAZY…REMEMBER?!?!?” Well, I had to let you know which goes with what…DUH!!! But SERIOUSLY…NOW…this is where it really gets serious, DAMNIT! And I really mean DAMNIT!!!!! There’s only one other emotion that I should touch on next and JUST GET IT THE HELL OVER WITH!!!! I’ve been so hard at work trying to suppress this next emotion…IT’S BEEN REALLY F*CKIN’ ROUGH!…………
I actually can’t pinpoint one emotion with what I’m about to delve into! It’s dark, depressing, shocking, horrifying, confusing, traumatizing, disgusting…pretty much every negative emotion you could possibly think of! Mentally and emotionally, I feel like my own mind (and my own worst enemy, mind you!!! no pun intended) has been smacking me around (emotionally) like a f*ckin’ tennis ball…back and forth between HAPPY and SAD…an endless match between JOY and ANGER…a race to the finish for ECSTASY and PAIN!!! AND OH THE GUILT!!! I’m a pretty open book ON MOST THINGS IN MY LIFE…so BTW and FYI…I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder when I was 19…VERY LONG STORIES!!! Someday I hope to get “MY STORY” written somewhere…IT TRULY IS A PECULIAR YET SPECTACULAR STORY!!! Yes, EVERYTHING CAN ALWAYS BE WORSE!!! But! But anyone that can endure what I have, SURVIVE, and BE AS BLESSED AS I AM TODAY…EFFIN’ PROPS, MAN!!!!! Having said all of that, dealing with the mental handicaps I’ve been dealt in life…IT’S A WONDER THAT I’M EVEN MORE SANE THAN COULD POSSIBLY BE EXPECTED!!! I DO BELIEVE that HUMILITY has gotten me through everything…and I thank GOD that, even though it feels like a curse most times, IT KEEPS ME IN MY PLACE AND GUIDES ME MOSTLY ON THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW!!! Someday, I just might break down everything that JUST MAY HAVE confused everyone…MAYBE!!!
Anyhow, I always get way off track NO MATTER WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT…so bare with me…PLEASE AND THANKS!!! ;o) I’m trying to stay positive here and in case y’haven’t noticed, I’ve been stalling! I need to talk this out and blogging is a hell of a lot cheaper than a therapist, but it’s really something a big part of me would just prefer to suppress and PRAY IT NEVER RETURNS!!!!!!!! I need closure, but don’t think I’ll ever get it! YEAH YEAH, I KNOW…JUST GET ON WITH IT…I’m getting there!!!!! There’s more to it than I can even get into…It is, after all, a private family matter!!! You’ll understand what I mean soon enough, I promise! OK, DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BREATHS! Yes, I talk to myself often and BEFORE YOU EVEN ASK…I ONLY ANSWER MYSELF WHEN I’M NOT BUSY IGNORING MYSELF!!!
Damn, how do you find the right words to make (what you know to be as) a profound statement?!?!? I don’t even have all of the facts myself, so preparing with a background is almost meaningless! Then there’s the aspect of not wanting to type anything that could/would possibly upset or offend any of our family!!! MY INTENTIONS ARE PURELY INNOCENT…as in, I JUST REALLY NEED TO GET THIS OUT IN ORDER TO DEAL WITH IT MYSELF!!! Yet I don’t want ANYONE to get any wrong ideas about ANYTHING WHATSOEVER!!! This is a very fragile subject…YIKES!!! Thinking and I still haven’t come up with the best way to say it…SO PERHAPS, I SHOULD JUST STATE IT AS HARD AND AS COLD AS IT FEELS DEEP DOWN INSIDE OF ME!!! Just perhaps!
A DISTANT, BUT NOT SO DISTANT COUSIN OF MINE SHOT AND KILLED HIMSELF THIS PAST WEEK!!!
OK, typing it DID NOT make me feel any better…but I’m hoping that “talking” about my perspective on the whole situation (for lack of a better word) WILL DO SOME GOOD, SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW!!!! Whether it’s me or someone else…I DON’T CARE…I JUST HAVE AN INSATIABLE ATTRACTION TO GOODNESS ESPECIALLY WHEN EVERYTHING SEEMS HOPELESS AND HORRIBLE!!!
I must start out with the fact that HE WAS A WONDERFUL MAN!!! Yes, I know only by WHO I KNEW HIM TO BE!!! I’ve known him all my life and EVERY MEMORY I HOLD OF HIM HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT GREAT TIMES!!! Seriously, THIS IS WHERE I’M HAVING MAJOR MENTAL/EMOTIONAL ISSUES ON THIS!!! Ever since I found out…WHICH, ALL I COULD FEEL WAS PURE, UNADULTERATED SHOCK!!!…every night when I lay my head down to go to sleep, I SEE HIM…HIS FACE…HE ALWAYS SMILES! I see his smile plain as day and CAN NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME, PICTURE A FROWN…A TEAR…A WINCE…NOTHING BUT A SMILE!!! Smiles are wonderful, they’re great, SMILES ARE LACKING TOO GREATLY ALL ACROSS THE WORLD!!!!! (YES, I’M A TRUE HIPPY AT HEART!!!)
VISUAL IMAGERIES OF A SMILING MAN AND A MAN VIOLENTLY ENDING HIS LIFE DO NOT GO “HAND IN HAND” IN MY HEAD…I DON’T FEEL THEY EVER COULD!!!!!!!!!
I actually can’t handle any part of that statement…it’s like an overload…for real…how do I possibly process that? MY MIND JUST CAN’T!!! MY HEART JUST CAN’T!!! MY SOUL JUST CAN’T!!! AND HERE’S THE MOTHER EFFIN’ KICKER…I’VE BEEN COMMITTED TO A PSYCHIATRIC UNIT 2ce (in my LONG AGO PAST) FOR SUICIDE ATTEMPTS!!!!! If they only knew just how many “silent” attempts back then!!! Yeah, I know…WTF?!?!? That’s another issue I’m having with this…follow me…I KNOW IT’S HARD TO DO!!! I’m not a bad person…IT DOESN’T TAKE AN AWFUL PERSON TO WANT TO DIE!!! It takes a person SO FUCKIN’ WOUNDED AND DESPERATE IN LIFE THAT THEY JUST CAN’T POSSIBLY TAKE ANYMORE WHETHER YOU THINK THEY HAVE THE FUCKING STRENGTH TO PRESS ON OR NOT!!!!!! Yes, I do know there are some assholes in the world that do stupid shit just for attention (as in negative attention is better than no attention at all) or do stupid shit for UNFATHOMABLY* RIDICULOUS REASONS, but I wasn’t one of them, and NEITHER WAS MY COUSIN!!! How do I know?!?!? I JUST DO!!! Like I said before, THERE’S A LOT I DON’T KNOW AND THERE’S A LOT I WON’T TALK ABOUT…BUT TRUST ME, I DO KNOW!!! He’s obviously been tortured by “demons” since his youth…NOTHING HAS EVER BEEN TOLD TO ME (aside from the fact that THERE WAS SOMETHING) AND NOT TOO MANY PEOPLE KNOW…but something UNDOUBTEDLY traumatized him, and eventually “backed him into a corner” leaving him feeling like there was no way out!!! Or, at least, I’m sure that’s how he felt. I can say that without fear of being wrong BECOZ I’VE BEEN THERE!!! There were too many times I felt those 2 corner walls pressed hard against my ass and shoulder blades…IT TRANSCENDS INTENSITY AND ALL IT EVER TAKES IS ONE SLIP OF YOUR JUDGMENT AND A MINISCULE FUCKING SECOND IN TIME!!!!!! I don’t know how many people actually realize that when they’re trying to tell you that EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE, but y’all should definitely know this!!! Now, back to the issue that I’m having with this…personally…coz I only have one voice to speak for myself…HE SUCCEEDED WHERE I THANK THE LORD THAT I NEVER COULD!!! The fact alone that he succeeded is HEART WRENCHING enough as it is, but becoz of these recent events, IT’S BEEN COMPLETELY TAKING ME ON A BAD TRIP!!! A trip back through most of the darkest times in my life!!! (I know this next statement is going to sound completely selfish, as in it’s going to “SOUND” like I’m describing this traumatic event as being an inconvenience in my life…HOWEVER, MAKE NO MISTAKE, I’M VERY AWARE THAT THE MOST INCONVENIENT ASPECT OF THIS WHOLE DAMN SITUATION IS THAT HE’S FUCKING GONE…JUST GONE…JUST LIKE THAT…GONE!!!!!!!) That said…Revisiting my past horrors is not something I care to do when my life is this perfect…I (naturally and humanly) would much rather prefer to be enjoying it!!! THAT IN ITSELF COZES ME SO MUCH MENTAL & EMOTIONAL TORMENT…IT’S UNREAL!!!!!! How can I possibly feel so many different fucking things at the same time, that contradict each other…I DON’T UNDERSTAND ANY OF IT!!! I don’t understand why part of me is that selfish inside somewhere when EVERYTHING INSIDE OF ME SCREAMS OUT…YOU ASSHOLE…YOU LIVE A LIFE THAT MOST PEOPLE WOULD (and HAVE!) KILL(ED) FOR…THAT MOST PEOPLE WOULD (and HAVE!) DIE(D) FOR…YOU CAN GO IN AND TUCK YOUR CHILDREN INTO THE SWEETEST OF DREAMS…YOU CAN CALL YOUR MOTHER CRYING JUST TO MAKE SURE SHE’S STILL BREATHING…YOU CAN GO IN AND HOLD YOUR FIANCE…YOU’RE STILL BREATHING…SO SHUT THE FUCK** UP!!!!!! How can I go from one moment of feeling all the love and goodness in the world to a moment of severe emotional pain ALL IN THE SAME BREATH?!?!?
When I’m around my family and friends, I sit/stand there LIVING/ACTING/FEELING one way, AND WHEN I’M ALL ALONE…JUST ME, MYSELF, AND I(rene)***…I HAVE WAY TOO MUCH TIME TO THINK AND FEEL AND IT’S DRIVING ME INSANE! All I can do is sit there TRYING to imagine all that his family is going through right now! Yes, I’m part of his family, but we all know I’m discussing his Wife, his Children, his Grandaughter, his closest Friends…etc!!! And all the while I’m doing that, I’m going back to those times that I could have put my Family and Friends THROUGH THE SAME DAMN THING!!!!!! Then I look at my BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN AND PERFECT LIFE and think MY GOD, HAD I SUCCEEDED WHERE YOU LET ME FAIL, I WOULDN’T HAVE EVERYTHING THAT I’M SOOOOOOOOOOO BEYOND THANKFUL AND GRATEFUL FOR!!!!!!! The whole thing has me feeling sick…my stomach twists and turns over every bit of it…WHAT HIS FAMILY IS SUFFERING THROUGH AND THE SMALL (in comparison) PORTION OF WHAT I PUT EVERONE THROUGH ALL THOSE YEARS AGO AND THE LARGE PORTION OF WHAT I COULD HAVE PUT EVERYONE THROUGH!!! It’s so fucking disturbing, I can’t even find the words to properly express JUST HOW DISTURBING this all is for me!!!!!!
Then I feel like an ass coz…HELLO…THIS ISN’T ABOUT ME!!! I know this isn’t about me, but it’s still having a very negative impact on my life…and that much is totally out of my control!!! IN FACT…I’D GIVE ALMOST ANYTHING TO BE ABLE TO CONTROL IT!!! I’ve been trying to force myself into the state of being numb…sometimes I win, sometimes I lose!
Man…I haven’t even “made a dent” in all that I have to say and all I need to say…but it’s like 3:30am and MY CHILDREN DON’T HAVE A SNOOZE BUTTON!!!!!!! I’ll come back and write more…I NEED TO…I REALLY REALLY NEED TO!!! But just to get that much of it out, I DO FEEL A LOT BETTER NOW THAN I DID BEFORE!!! Thanks for taking the time to read…BUT TIME IS PRECIOUS…SO PLEASE SPEND IT WISELY AND MOST IMPORTANTLY…MAKE PEACE…WITH ANYTHING…ANYONE…EVERYTHING…EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!! Find closure where it refuses to be found!!!!! Try not to waste it taking people or situations for granted!!! I’VE SPENT THE LAST MONTH LEARNING THAT EVERY DREAM IS ACHIEVABLE AND PERFECTION (or close enough to it) IS POSSIBLE, BUT ONLY WITH THE STRONGEST DOSES OF PATIENCE, LOVE, AND PERSISTENCE!!! IT WILL ALWAYS START AND END WITH………….YOU!!!
G’night!!!
*Yes, I do realize that I just made up a new form of the word infathomable…GET OVER IT…I MAKE UP MY OWN LANGUAGE ALL THE TIME!!!
**I also realize that I’m swearing (throwing the eff bomb) excessively…but that’s how I emphasize what I’m saying/feeling and THIS IS A DIFFICULT TOPIC…therefore, in my mind, I feel justified…and furthermore, I don’t care who agrees!
***Irene is my middle name…just a small joke to try to lighten things…coz that’s what I do…and that’s who I am…and it didn’t really work anyhow!!!
Hmmm…. Well….. Maybe you should look at that smile in your mind and use it as all of his tortures are now ended no matter how hard it is to fathom where his family is concerned. And also use the lesson that he has given you that life is way too short for some people so never take for granted what you have or how long you will have it. You are one of the strongest people I know and you can and will get through this and be the better for it… luv ya BF
Good read! Thank you!
Sometimes God miraculously removes images from our mind. Other times He needs us to work through them. For 50 years I dealt with some very destructive memories that I couldn’t let go of. Then I found a counsellor that was trained in EMDR. This is a process used for people that have gone through Traumatic events and can’t shake them. In the hands of a professional you could find “miraculous” changes and healings with this.